Live Mas Adventure Wrap-Up: Lowlights

Fresh off the "Awards" post, here we will examine the Taco Bell menu offerings which fell WAYYYY short of the mark.  Unfortunately, there were more than enough candidates to make these "honors" quite a horse race.

WORST-TASTING / WORST OVERALL -- MOUNTAIN DEW KICKSTART BLACK CHERRY FREEZE

I would like to have a conversation with whatever team of Taco Bell flavor executives green-lighted the Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze.  Frankly, it's awful.  The flavor might best be described as a combination of rotten cherry juice, syrup, and ass.  It scored a Border-worst 3.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale -- a full point worse than its closest "competitor" -- and its 7.0 (out of 10) value score resulted in an overall score of 4.4 (out of 10).

I do, however, think frozen drinks have a place on Taco Bell's menu.  They benefit the "man," because their profit margin is likely superior to that of traditional soft drinks, as they consist of roughly the same ingredients yet sport a considerably higher selling price.  And when done well -- see the Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze for a guideline -- they taste damn good on a hot day, thus benefitting the customers of the Border.

As the worst-tasting item was "only" a drink, I thought it would be appropriate to introduce a separate category for worst-tasting food item.

**UPDATE**  Not surprisingly, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze has been discontinued by Taco Bell.

WORST-TASTING FOOD ITEM -- CHICKEN BURRITO SUPREME

Even the picture looks like a hot mess, doesn't it?  On the surface, there would seem to be nothing particularly threatening about a chicken burrito.  But my, how initial perceptions can deceive.

The problems here are myriad:

1.  First and foremost, we encounter our favorite Taco Bell fuck-up:  iceberg lettuce in a warm, enclosed space.  It turned into a green, slimy shitstorm pretty much instantaneously.

2.  The chicken is scant.  Scarce.  Insufficient in quantity.

3.  The chicken is shredded, not grilled.  Which means that it has the capacity to retain much more moisture, which only exacerbates problem #1.

4.  Too many liquid (or liquid-like) ingredients give the person holding -- and unfortunately, eating -- the Chicken Burrito Supreme the sensation that they are holding a diaper full of hot, runny shit.

The Chicken Burrito Supreme scored a 4.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale and a 5.5 (out of 10) on the value scale, yielding an overall score of 4.8 (out of 10), which was good for second-worst overall and worst among food items.  At a price of $3.19, Taco Bell should be charged with felony theft for every one of these motherfuckers that it sells.

"Honorable" Mention for Worst-Tasting:

Cheese Roll-Up (5.0 out of 10)

Steak Meximelt (6.0 out of 10)

Any "Fresco" menu item

"Honorable" Mention for Worst Overall:

Cheese Roll-Up (5.1 out of 10)

Hash Brown (5.3 out of 10)

Fresco Steak Burrito Supreme (5.5 out of 10)

LEAST "FAITHFUL" ITEM -- HASH BROWN

Shame on you, Taco Bell.  Here's the thing:  I understand why Taco Bell needs to have hash browns on the premises.  After all, they are the sole "crunchy" component of the A.M. Crunchwrap.  But that doesn't mean that you need to offer the Hash Brown as a stand-alone menu item.  Seriously, this was the only visit during my entire Live Mas adventure that I felt like I was eating at McDonald's.  (And I don't mean that in a good way, in case that wasn't immediately clear.)

And at a price of $1.00, it's fucking highway robbery.  I can get a Beefy Mini Quesadilla for the same price.  Or a Spicy Tostada.  This frozen-then-thawed piece of shitty grocery store fare probably costs Taco Bell 15 cents, if that.

And where is the quasi-Mexican character that courses through the veins of nearly every Taco Bell menu offering?  Nowhere to be fucking found, that's where.  And that's why you "win" the title of Least Faithful, Hash Brown.

"Honorable" Mention for Least Faithful:

Brownie Sandwich  (though it does taste pretty good)

Dear reader, I'll be back next post with some final takeaways from my Live Mas adventure.

Live Mas Adventure Wrap-Up: Awards

So I just finished up eating a season's worth of Taco Bell grub.  My journey began back in May and lasted until the calendar indicated that only 3 days of summer remained.

Surely there are some takeaways from my "Summer of Taco Bell."  For instance, what was the best-tasting -- and thus, highest scoring -- menu item at Taco Bell?  (In the subjective opinion of yours truly, of course.)

BEST-TASTING / BEST OVERALL -- CHEESY GORDITA CRUNCH

There were a number of contenders for this title, but in the end the winner turned out to be a menu item that I had never even HEARD of before my Live Mas journey began.  And it happened very early on, on only my second "official" visit to the Border.

The Cheesy Gordita Crunch scored a 9.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale -- the only menu item to do so -- and also pulled down a solid 7.5 (out of 10) on the value scale due to its reasonable $2.49 selling price.  This combination of flavor and value resulted in the highest overall score of 9.0 (out of 10).

As a refresher, here's the official Taco Bell website description:

"Warm, pillowy flatbread covered in a melted three-cheese blend, wrapped around a crunchy taco and topped with a zesty Pepper Jack sauce."

In my estimation there are 3 critical factors to the success of the Cheesy Gordita Crunch:

1.  The gordita itself.  This "pillowy flatbread" is delicious and sadly underutilized by Taco Bell.

2.  The textural contrast provided by the gordita and the crunch taco shell.

3.  That delicious (and also very sadly underutilized) pepper jack sauce.  It adds a ton of flavor and just a hint of heat.

Honorable Mention for Best-Tasting:

Steak Quesarito (9.0 out of 10)

Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme (9.0 out of 10)

Honorable Mention for Best Overall:

Chipotle Chicken Ranch Loaded Griller (8.9 out of 10)

Steak Quesarito (8.8 out of 10)

BEST VALUE -- CHIPOTLE CHICKEN RANCH LOADED GRILLER

Getting the Chipotle Chicken Ranch Loaded Griller for only $1.00 is like stealing.  Of course, the caveat here is that the $1.00 selling price is only available during the Border's daily "Happier Hour," from 2:00 PM to 5:00 PM.  (One can have their choice of the three Loaded Griller offerings for $1.00 during Happier Hour.)  However, even at its non-Happier Hour price of $1.49, the Chipotle Chicken Ranch Loaded Griller is definitely a deal.

**UPDATE:  Taco Bell's $1.00 "Happier Hour" menu now only includes medium soft drinks and small frozen drinks -- no more $1.00 Loaded Grillers.**

Taco Bell's official description:

"Delivers the taste of spicy chicken wings with ranch dip because we take our grilled, all white meat, marinated chicken and cover it with kicked-up Chipotle Ranch Sauce and cool reduced-fat sour cream, then wrap it all up in a warm flour tortilla and grill it so it's ready to eat on-the-go."

The Chipotle Chicken Ranch Loaded Griller scored a perfect 10.0 (out of 10) on the value scale -- the only menu item to do so -- and also pulled managed a very respectable 8.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale, resulting in the second-highest overall score of 8.9 (out of 10), trailing only the overall champion -- the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

The Chipotle Chicken Ranch Loaded Griller also succeeds due to 3 critical factors:

1.  The quality and quantity of the chicken, especially for a $1.00 menu item.

2.  The grilled flavor of the tortilla.

3.  The heat and flavor provided by the Chipotle Ranch Sauce, which to the best of my knowledge is not used in any other menu items.

Honorable Mention for Best Value:

Beefy 5-Layer Burrito (9.5 out of 10)

Loaded Potato Griller (9.0 out of 10)

Bean Burrito (9.0 out of 10)

Beefy Mini Quesadilla (9.0 out of 10)

BEST BREAKFAST ITEM -- STEAK & EGG CHEESY BURRITO

The most appealing facet of the Steak & Egg Cheesy Burrito is its simplicity.  There is nothing unnecessary or unpleasant present to spoil the unpretentious combination of tasty steak, cheese and eggs wrapped inside of a tortilla.  Add to that trifecta of breakfast goodness an admittedly undersized amount of creamy jalapeño sauce and you end up with one hell of a delicious breakfast.

Taco Bell's official description:

"Fluffy scrambled eggs, lots of warm, melted cheddar cheese, marinated, premium thick cut steak, and creamy jalapeño sauce all wrapped up in a warm flour tortilla."

The Steak & Egg Cheesy Burrito scored a noteworthy 8.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale -- the only breakfast menu item to score so highly -- and also pulled managed a very respectable 8.0 (out of 10) on the value scale due to its $2.49 selling price.  Make no mistake, this is a hefty quantity of breakfast food for the price.  The combination of these scores resulted in the highest overall breakfast score of 8.4 (out of 10).

On the whole, I did not find Taco Bell's breakfast offerings to be on par with their regular menu items -- but that probably makes sense.  Taco Bell has had decades to tweak and improve its regular menu offerings, but it has fewer than 6 months of breakfast-serving experience.  Given time, I believe the Border will improve the quality of its breakfast fare.

Honorable Mention for Best Breakfast Item:

Sausage Waffle Taco (8.0 out of 10)

Bacon Grilled Breakfast Burrito (7.8 out of 10)

Dear reader, I will return with a look at some of the least successful menu items from my Live Mas adventure.

Visit #26: Thursday, September 18, 2014: 12:13 PM

Dear reader, we have arrived.  Where, you ask, have we arrived?  At the initial conclusion of my Live Mas adventure.  I say "initial" because the devious food scientists on the Border's payroll have no doubt been busy at work concocting the next wave of tasty (hopefully), quasi-Mexican menu newcomers.  There will be more blog posts to come.

The journey has been a bit surreal.  It's difficult to believe -- but appropriate -- that my Live Mas adventure began exactly 4 months ago, on May 18th, 2014.  Over those 4 months, I consumed more than 60 different menu items.  And believe it or not, I am not weary of eating Taco Bell's food.  In fact, I am excited to return to the Border and re-try some of my favorite menu items without the burden of formally documenting my dining experience.

Visit #26 was in one way a first for me:  I visited Taco Bell during my lunch break at work.  It turns out that "dining in" during lunch hour means that you will be completely surrounded by senior citizens.  Who knew that the Border was such a draw for the geriatric crowd?

Without further ado...

Item #60:  CANTINA POWER BURRITO  (STEAK)

The official Taco Bell website description:

"Experience how high protein meets BIG flavor!  Marinated and grilled thick cut steak, crisp romaine lettuce, guacamole made from real Hass avocados, pico de gallo prepared fresh daily, flavorful avocado ranch dressing, real cheddar cheese, and cool reduced-fat sour cream, all wrapped in a warm flour tortilla."

Price:  $4.79

Taste:  7.5 (out of 10)

Value:  5.0 (out of 10)

Overall Score:  6.9 (out of 10)

The Cantina Power Burrito shares many similarities with the related Cantina Power Bowl.  Fortunately, one way it which it differs is that there is less lettuce.  (That goddamned Cantina Power Bowl had sooooo much fucking lettuce in it.) 

From a taste perspective, the Cantina Power Burrito works pretty well.  The guacamole wasn't even particularly off-putting here, even though it's definitely not my favorite condiment.  The steak was very well-seasoned and succeeded in providing the necessary textural contrast.

In fact, my primary gripe about the Cantina Power Burrito was its internal temperature.  You'll notice from the official website description that there are quite a few ingredients that comprise this item.  You might also notice that the only HOT ingredient is steak.  Lettuce, guac, pico, ranch, cheese, sour cream...all of the other ingredients are cold.  The result is that the interior of this burrito soon becomes lukewarm.  And a bit sludgy.

Taco Bell is eager to boast of the high protein content in this burrito.  Here's a way to add even more protein, yet also keep the interior piping hot, as it should be:  Add some beans!  (You're welcome, Taco Bell.  I just keep solving your problems and correcting your missteps.)  And do we really need both fresh guac AND avocado ranch dressing?

All in all, however, the Cantina Power Burrito does garner a higher score than the Cantina Power Bowl.  Its size is more manageable, its price is $1.00 less, and it contains a much more reasonable amount of lettuce -- although I will say that using romaine lettuce in both items is a nice touch.

Item #61:  MOUNTAIN DEW KICKSTART BLACK CHERRY FREEZE

The official Border website description:

"The Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze is a refreshing frozen soft drink with the flavor and energy of Black Cherry Mountain Dew Kickstart."

Price:  $2.69

Taste:  3.5 (out of 10)

Value:  7.0 (out of 10)

Overall Score:  4.4 (out of 10)

I am not the world's biggest fan of frozen drinks.  So I was relatively surprised when I found that I rather enjoyed the Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze.  That experience gave me hope that I would enjoy the Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze.  As it turns out, that hope was misplaced.  It was false hope.  VERY false hope.

The first sip was sweet.  VERY sweet.  I took another sip and almost gagged.  This drink is disgusting. It's hard for me to imagine that anyone would find this taste appealing.

My first thought was that it was like drinking ice-cold water so saturated with sugar that its texture became almost honey-like, but without any of the tasty flavor of honey.  Instead, one gets slapped in the tastebuds with a decidedly horrible flavor that is vaguely reminiscent of what I would imagine is spoiled cherries.

In its totality, it was just an awful experience.  It saddens me that my last "official" visit to the Bell in the near future was sullied with such a terrible, terrible drink.  The Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze garnered the lowest "taste" score of any item during my entire Live Mas adventure.

To add insult to injury, I had unfortunately ordered the larger of the two available sizes.  For only the second time on my Live Mas adventure, I left an item unfinished.

Dear reader, stay away from this one.

**UPDATE:  As of early October 2014, Taco Bell has discontinued the Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze.  Thank Christ.**

The receipt from the final installment (for now) of my Live Mas adventure:

Stay tuned, dear reader.  There is more to come!

Visit #25: Tuesday, September 16, 2014: 5:48 PM

I often wonder about how fast food chains establish pricing levels for their menu items.  At Taco Bell, for instance, the Dollar Cravings Menu was recently introduced.  All of the items in this menu segment are priced at $1.00.  While many of these items are appreciably smaller than higher-priced menu items, it's still amazing to me that the Border can make a profit on the Beefy Fritos Burrito when charging only a dollar.

Perhaps Taco Bell doesn't turn a profit on the Dollar Cravings Menu.  Maybe its sole purpose is to drive traffic to the restaurant in the hope that said traffic will eventually come to order items that do not reside on the Dollar Cravings Menu.  If that is the case, Taco Bell wouldn't want the items priced at $1.00 to taste TOO good, or else customers would rarely order anything else.  It seems to be a delicate balancing act.

Today's visit features 3 items, all priced at $1.00.

Item #57:  BEEFY FRITOS BURRITO

The official Taco Bell website description:

"Seasoned beef, Frito chips, and cilantro rice wrapped in a flour tortilla and filled with warm nacho cheese sauce."

Price:  $1.00

Taste:  7.0 (out of 10)

Value:  7.5 (out of 10)

Overall Score:  7.1 (out of 10)

The Beefy Fritos Burrito works pretty well in most respects.  As it turns out, Fritos are a perfect addition to a burrito.  Their salty crunch would be welcome on many other burritos at the Border.  The ground beef is tasty, as always.  The rice is perfectly adequate.  It's a decent portion of food for the price.

But the Beefy Fritos Burrito is also mildly disappointing.  The reason:  This is the first Dollar Cravings Menu item that feels a little bit cheap.  It's the nacho cheese sauce.  The way that it mixes with the rice creates an unpleasant sensation in the mouth.  Using real cheese here -- which is probably not feasible, given the $1.00 selling price -- would be a huge improvement.  The nacho cheese sauce just doesn't cut it here, and it kind of ruins the whole shebang.

Item #58:  TRIPLE LAYER NACHOS

The official Border website description:

"Freshly prepared, crisp tortilla chips, hearty beans covered in warm nacho cheese sauce and topped with a tangy red sauce."

Price:  $1.00

Taste:  7.5 (out of 10)

Value:  6.5 (out of 10)

Overall Score:  7.3 (out of 10)

I have never been a huge fan of vegetarian nacho platters.  Nachos don't normally seem "complete" without shredded chicken or ground beef on top.  But if I were forced to consume nachos sans meat, I could do worse than the Border's Triple Layer Nachos.

I think the name refers to the construction of the dish:  a layer of beans topped with a layer of nacho cheese sauce topped with a layer of tangy red sauce.  (Apparently the tortilla chips themselves do not constitute a layer.)  The beans and the red sauce are the stars here.  The nacho cheese sauce just sort of holds everything together.  $1.00 is a good price for any order of nachos, but the bottom line here is that it's not much food -- even for $1.00.  I miss the meat.

Item #59:  CARAMEL APPLE EMPANADA

From the website:

"A crispy golden pastry pocket filled with chunks of warm apples in creamy caramel sauce."

Price:  $1.00

Taste:  7.5 (out of 10)

Value:  8.0 (out of 10)

Overall Score:  7.6 (out of 10)

I know I've stated this on multiple occasions, but I suppose one more time won't hurt anything:  I'm not a big dessert guy.  But for the most part I have enjoyed the handful of dessert items on offer from the Bell.  The Caramel Apple Empanada (C.A.E.) is no exception.

First positive:  it's fried.  The texture of the pastry is spot on.  Second positive:  it's not overly sweet.  The caramel has a salty note that keeps things in balance.  The not so positive:  the apples are not really recognizable as apples, at least from a flavor perspective.  I'm not certain whether or not the C.A.E. would be appreciably better (or worse) if they were, but in the C.A.E.'s current configuration the apples really just serve to interrupt the caramel.  One other not so positive:  it's too much.  Sweet-toothed Border patrons may disagree with me here, but it's just a little too much food -- especially at the end of a meal.

The receipt from this evening's visit:

Only one more visit to go until my Live Mas adventure will conclude and the entire Taco Bell menu will have been conquered.  (At least until Taco Bell adds a dozen new menu items -- it WILL happen eventually.)