Fresh off the "Awards" post, here we will examine the Taco Bell menu offerings which fell WAYYYY short of the mark. Unfortunately, there were more than enough candidates to make these "honors" quite a horse race.
WORST-TASTING / WORST OVERALL -- MOUNTAIN DEW KICKSTART BLACK CHERRY FREEZE
I would like to have a conversation with whatever team of Taco Bell flavor executives green-lighted the Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze. Frankly, it's awful. The flavor might best be described as a combination of rotten cherry juice, syrup, and ass. It scored a Border-worst 3.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale -- a full point worse than its closest "competitor" -- and its 7.0 (out of 10) value score resulted in an overall score of 4.4 (out of 10).
I do, however, think frozen drinks have a place on Taco Bell's menu. They benefit the "man," because their profit margin is likely superior to that of traditional soft drinks, as they consist of roughly the same ingredients yet sport a considerably higher selling price. And when done well -- see the Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze for a guideline -- they taste damn good on a hot day, thus benefitting the customers of the Border.
As the worst-tasting item was "only" a drink, I thought it would be appropriate to introduce a separate category for worst-tasting food item.
**UPDATE** Not surprisingly, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Black Cherry Freeze has been discontinued by Taco Bell.
WORST-TASTING FOOD ITEM -- CHICKEN BURRITO SUPREME
Even the picture looks like a hot mess, doesn't it? On the surface, there would seem to be nothing particularly threatening about a chicken burrito. But my, how initial perceptions can deceive.
The problems here are myriad:
1. First and foremost, we encounter our favorite Taco Bell fuck-up: iceberg lettuce in a warm, enclosed space. It turned into a green, slimy shitstorm pretty much instantaneously.
2. The chicken is scant. Scarce. Insufficient in quantity.
3. The chicken is shredded, not grilled. Which means that it has the capacity to retain much more moisture, which only exacerbates problem #1.
4. Too many liquid (or liquid-like) ingredients give the person holding -- and unfortunately, eating -- the Chicken Burrito Supreme the sensation that they are holding a diaper full of hot, runny shit.
The Chicken Burrito Supreme scored a 4.5 (out of 10) on the flavor scale and a 5.5 (out of 10) on the value scale, yielding an overall score of 4.8 (out of 10), which was good for second-worst overall and worst among food items. At a price of $3.19, Taco Bell should be charged with felony theft for every one of these motherfuckers that it sells.
"Honorable" Mention for Worst-Tasting:
Cheese Roll-Up (5.0 out of 10)
Steak Meximelt (6.0 out of 10)
Any "Fresco" menu item
"Honorable" Mention for Worst Overall:
Cheese Roll-Up (5.1 out of 10)
Hash Brown (5.3 out of 10)
Fresco Steak Burrito Supreme (5.5 out of 10)
LEAST "FAITHFUL" ITEM -- HASH BROWN
Shame on you, Taco Bell. Here's the thing: I understand why Taco Bell needs to have hash browns on the premises. After all, they are the sole "crunchy" component of the A.M. Crunchwrap. But that doesn't mean that you need to offer the Hash Brown as a stand-alone menu item. Seriously, this was the only visit during my entire Live Mas adventure that I felt like I was eating at McDonald's. (And I don't mean that in a good way, in case that wasn't immediately clear.)
And at a price of $1.00, it's fucking highway robbery. I can get a Beefy Mini Quesadilla for the same price. Or a Spicy Tostada. This frozen-then-thawed piece of shitty grocery store fare probably costs Taco Bell 15 cents, if that.
And where is the quasi-Mexican character that courses through the veins of nearly every Taco Bell menu offering? Nowhere to be fucking found, that's where. And that's why you "win" the title of Least Faithful, Hash Brown.
"Honorable" Mention for Least Faithful:
Brownie Sandwich (though it does taste pretty good)
Dear reader, I'll be back next post with some final takeaways from my Live Mas adventure.
No comments:
Post a Comment